Posted in Self Improvement

Eating My Guilt

eating my guiltI’m feeling guilty.

For most of my life, I did what most people do – I worked.  When I was in school, I worked part-time.  Once I graduated, I worked full-time.  I got married, I worked.  I had kids, I worked.  I decided to go back to school – I still worked full-time.

After a series of life-changing events (including deaths in the family and divorce) in very rapid succession, I found myself without a job.  At the time, I didn’t need to work, and, still reeling from everything, I didn’t want to.  I wanted to focus on my family.  So I did.

After thinking about it, I don’t think I’ve processed everything that happened to me.  You’ve seen those psychological charts where they list ‘life-changing events’ and rate them, right?  (Like this one.) You’re supposed to have a score of under 150. My score for those months? 677.

Despite all the hardships (some still on-going), I made it.  I survived.

Part of the survival was thanks to my husband, who is one of the most zen people I know.  Nothing ever really seems to rattle him.  Which is good, because it helps balance out my crazy. 😛

He has a fantastic job that he loves and he makes enough for me to continue to stay at home and take care of our home and family.  But I can’t stop to seem feeling guilty about it.

We have enough to cover all the necessities on one income, but there isn’t much left over.  So whenever an extra expense comes up, I experience horrible feelings of guilt because I’m not working and contributing to our income.

Not guilty enough to get a job, of course.  I have all kinds of excuses about why I can’t/shouldn’t work – none of which are really relevant, but I make them nonetheless.  Now, no one is making me feel guilty about not working but me.  The family has everything they need and more.  No one goes without.

I’m also bored.  I’ve worked and had multiple jobs for so long that I feel like a lazy jerk because I sit at home all day while everyone else is at work and school.  And when I’m bored and/or feeling guilty, I eat.

This horrible habit has led to a weight gain that is literally dragging me down.  Being overweight is depressing, which leads to more eating, which leads to more – you guessed it, depression.  It’s a vicious cycle, and one that I don’t know how to break.

I’m trying to make some changes in my life, but I am so overwhelmed.

What do you do to motivate yourself when you feel overwhelmed?

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Varied interests, easily distracted, lover of words, always searching for something

3 thoughts on “Eating My Guilt

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