Posted in Self Improvement

Self-Destruction

I’ve been trying to make some positive changes in my life recently.  I’ve been trying (mostly unsuccessfully) to cut back on sugar and sweets and I’ve been trying (so far successfully) to exercise every day.

But for every step forward I try to take, I find myself taking two steps back without even realizing it.

My attempt to cut back on sugar and sweets has been a miserable failure so far.  I went grocery shopping with the best of intentions, determined to not buy any sugary snacks or sweet tea (my Achilles heel when it comes to sugar).  And yet, despite my intentions, I left the store with a box of Ding-Dongs (for my son, I assured myself), and two gallons of sweet tea (also for my son, I assured myself).

There is now (two days after shopping) only 1 Ding-dong left (though my son did eat most of them) and only 1 gallon of sweet tea left (which I think we split evenly).

I have been exercising every day (and discovering just how weak and out of shape I am).  However, I am fairly certain when I step on the scale tomorrow, that I will have gained weight rather than lost any, which is extremely frustrating.  It’s like, at some level, I don’t want myself to succeed.

Why is that?

Is it that I don’t love myself enough, as all the self-help sites say?  Is it that I am not accepting enough of my flaws? Unwilling to face the pain I’m trying to eat?  Is it my sugar addiction taking over everything?

I don’t know, but I do know that I am tired of feeling like a failure. Something’s gotta give, and I don’t want it to be the snap on my jeans.

Everything I read says that I have to stop making excuses.  But how do you tell when it’s an excuse and when it’s a valid concern?  For example, I tried doing Weight Watchers, because I know quite a few people who have had success with it.

However, it was a miserable failure for me.  I know that I should eat more fruits and vegetables and less sugary and/or processed food.  Unfortunately, I have food textures issues.  Many people dismiss these as all in my head – if I would just EAT the food, I would like it.

I would LOVE it if this were true.  For me, it’s not.  I cannot stand the texture of cooked, mushy fruit, for example.  Raw apples – love (minus the skin, because again – texture).  Raw carrots – love.  Cooked apples – make me want to vomit.  Same for cooked carrots.

I can’t stand broccoli – it feels like I am chewing on grass.  Lettuce, however, is fine.  All the fruits and vegetables I like (potatoes, carrots, corn, beans, bananas) – are on the ‘not very good’ or ‘eat in moderation’ lists.  So am I left feeling like I have nothing I can eat without feeling guilty.

And WW tells you to eat the ‘low-fat’ versions of everything – which is ridiculous to me, because ‘low-fat’ almost ALWAYS means that there is added sugar to the item, to compensate for the flavor that has been removed along with the fat.  I feel like I can’t win.

Are these excuses?  Maybe, but after 20 years of dealing with my food texture issues, it would be ludicrous to think that I can just ‘get over them.’  I feel like I’m trying to navigate a mine field, in the dark, underwater, and without a compass.

And overcoming my sugar addiction feels like an impossible task, because there’s added sugar in EVERYTHING.  (Did you know they add sugar to pork?  To pork! Why?)  Growing everything I eat myself isn’t an option, so what do I do?  I know the solution is out there, I’ve just got to find it.

Before the self-destruct countdown ends.

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Varied interests, easily distracted, lover of words, always searching for something

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